The Rules According To Dogs

One of the key tenets of all dog training is to be completely clear at all times. Dogs only learn what we teach them. They invented "literal interpretation." So, sometimes their idea of doing what we say we want tends to incorporate a LOT of leeway into er... what THEY want.

For example, at our house, just like at YOUR house, dogs are not permitted to countersurf. Verbal reprimands such as "Hey!" and "OFF!" to "Are you insane?" and "What do you think YOU ARE DOING?" naturally end up becoming mild to intermediate physical reprimands like collar-grabbing and toe-smacking. Rowan, naturally, was one who required the more intermediate response of having her little toes whacked a few times for trying to help me cook... She got the message. I later observed her in the reflection of the french door from my chair in the living room. She was VERY CAREFULLY counter-surfing. She was on her hind legs, front feet carefully tucked in, reaching for whatever was closest. However, her toes were NOT touching my counters. Apparently, the message she got was "No feet on the counters" instead of "No dogs stealing in the kitchen." Hmmm


Her other misinterpretation involves the rule of "If you MUST beg, do so POLITELY from a distance that does not permit your DROOL to touch my lap." When we eat at the table, the dogs know NEVER to come into the room until we give them an "OK." However, we normally eat in the living room, because naturally one would not want to miss a SECOND of those Law & Order reruns. After all, we've only seen them 150 times apiece. There's probably a world record in the offing somewhere.... So, there is begging. However, the proximity rule applies.


The other night, Rowan observed that my husband had a lovely plate of fried chicken and mashed potatoes. Soon her little face was peering over his elbow beside his chair, pink tongue flicking towards his nice chicken. Up went his elbow, back went the dog. "NO!" A few minutes later, a little black face appears on the OTHER side... Nope, that wasn't clear, either.


We've had many discussions about the magical household item referred to as a TRASH CAN. I believe the dogs refer to it amongst themselves as "The Recepticle of Joy." It is a temptation that often defies all efforts. Finally we gave up and bought a metal kitchen trash can that has a step-lid and a top which is flush to the can, so the noses cannot flip it up. The day we installed our new dog-proof can, Bad Solo strolled up to it and looked it up and down. Down came the paw, up went the lid. "Cool!" she said, "It has a handle!" SIGH


Z learned her lesson about robbing the bathroom trash when I purchased a small plastic trash can with one of those lids that SPIN to allow the trash to be put in, and then settle back over the can to hide the contents. I arrived home from work one day to find used tissues strewn all over the living room. I hear Z coming down the stairs, and nearly fall down laughing. She is WEARING the trash can lid around her neck. Likely has been for some time, given her nonchalance...


Pointers are bedhogs. There is no cure. Scarlett firmly believes she should have the exact center of the bed, no matter what. Imprecations to "Get off!" or "Don't even think about it" are patently ignored. Pushing or shoving result in her taking on mass to become roughly the weight of a red giant. We got all excited one night when, finally, our demands for her to "MOVE!" resulted in her getting up. At last! Scarlett stood up, stretched, turned around 3 times and plopped back down in the same spot.

Vegas demonstrates bedhogging...


Well, she did MOVE...


Sometimes having commands that dogs misinterpret can be useful. All my dogs know the command "Kennel." This, roughly translated, means "Go thru that door." However, sometimes one gets an interesting result. Years ago we had a beagle living with us and our pointers. She had her own crate in with the others. One night, I had put the dogs out for a last potty after a long evening away from home. It was dark. It was late. I brought them in and called to the herd of pointers milling in my small laundry room, "Kennel!" And began closing doors after them as they obediently leapt into bed in their crates. One pointer remained, still milling excitedly around the room, being a goofy boy dog. "KENNEL!" I yelled, thinking only of MY bed, and the nice Sunday morning sleep-in I had to look forward to... Silly boy pointer frantically casts about for an open door (I had forgotten that I closed HIS crate because he still hadn't finished his supper). Unable to comply, he crammed his head and shoulders into the open beagle crate. With the beagle. Complaints were heard. The pointer retreated. Oops... My bad...


All in all, human to dog communcation can be tricky. One needs to try and look at it from the dog's point of view to be as clear as possible. Teaching your pointer to give hugs can result in in appropriate greetings when your grandmother comes to visit. Allowing your dog to play with an old sock can leave your hamper full of well-chewed footwear. And telling your dog to "get in the car" before you actually opened the hatch can result in him heading home with the guy parked next to you at dogshow...


Oops. My bad...